It Is Not A Swap of Emotions

My marriage is wonderful, and my husband is incredible, but let me also say that our relationship isn’t perfect—it’s taken humility, patience, and grace to get where we are. There have been rough patches and some days when he didn’t seem all that “wonderful” to me, and I can imagine that he’s felt the same way.

I’ve come to see that love is like an oak tree. When nurtured it takes root. We have storms that leave us feeling confused and miserable, but we put effort into seeing them through, because both he and I know that with each passing season those roots are growing beyond what our senses observe.

Like most young couples, we started out eager yet unprepared. I was a young bride believing that love was give and take, and that a 50/50 partnership was ideal. As long as I was willing to meet him halfway on everything, we’d be just fine. But experience soon taught me that unless I was willing to give 100 percent of myself to this marriage, without expectation of return, my gift of love was little more than a swap of emotions.

“Without expectation of return?” You might ask, “Well that doesn’t seem fair.”

It’s a beautiful thing when two people love as they should love. When each person is putting into the marriage more than they’re hoping to gain. But we all have days, weeks–and for some it’s been years–when we feel that we’re not being loved as we should be. What then? The truth of the matter is that the return on our investment doesn’t always come from our husband, but it always comes from the Lord. We have that promise. When we put our hope in Him we have a guarantee that He rewards those who are faithful.

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. – Luke 6:38, NIV

Love is a gift, and if we hand over a gift with one hand open while the other is closed, the gift is lost in exchange.

Marriage isn’t a barter system, and love isn’t a currency.

•       It’s exercising patience when your husband’s/wife’s habits are grating on every one of your nerves
•       It’s kindness when your partner is grumpy
•       It’s being humble enough to lose an argument when you feel that you’re right
•       It’s holding your temper when he/she says something in anger
•       It’s protecting his/her reputation from your own tongue
•       It’s trusting in his capabilities to handle a difficult task
•       It’s standing strong in difficult times

The question then would be, Why are we planting seeds without an expectation of return?

The answer is because we aren’t planting them for the sake of our husbands or for ourselves, we plant them for the sake of our Lord who loved us before we loved Him, and who gave His life freely while we were yet sinners. Love like that doesn’t carry an expectation, but it does carry a hope.

Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let your hands not be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well. – Ecclesiastes 11:6, NIV

 

Love your wife and You love yourself

He’ll never forget those eyes, dancing above the rim of her glass the moment he walked into the room, the first dance of many . . . wild and wonderful.

Two years later (An eternity, he said!) they exchanged their vows before God and their loved ones and purposed to spend their lives as one.

As he lay across the bed from his beautiful, lovely Bride during their honeymoon, those dancing eyes held his gaze, grateful to God for such a humble and loving spirit.

Time. Suddenly all those years without her seemed lost.

Drinking in the moment’s wonder, his fingers fell lightly, high upon her cheek, he had prayed for a helpmate but God is full of surprises, He gave him a gift, a thankful spirit and love. What kind of woman did God give him? The very, very best. She is the most willing servant of God.

“Why didn’t I meet you ten years ago? Where were you? Look how much time we’ve missed being together.”

But life is like that, isn’t it? One day we wake up in an oasis wondering why we wandered around in the desert for so long. Why we took 40 years instead of 40 days to find that purpose, but at the end of the day God was sharpening us like iron.

He purposed right then and there, laying on the bed in their room, he would cherish this woman, his bride, this breath-taking gift from God, every day of his life. He will first be a servant of God, then a good husband and a loving father.

How great it would be to report that he loved her perfectly.

He reaches out to let her know how much she matters to him. She knows this – that it’s serious business with him. She is his priority because Jesus Christ made her his priority – and He expects to be obeyed. He wants him to love her as He loves His Bride.

Jesus is the example for every Christian man to know how to truly cherish his wife.

Wait a minute, Jesus isn’t married!

But He is (or soon will be). His Bride is the Church. And Christian men are instructed to love their wife as Jesus loves His – Ephesians 5:25

If you are a cherished woman, it’s likely no one would ask you. The lightness of your step and the radiance of your countenance are a dead give-away.

For those who are not, it’s especially tough. Not only is the wrongdoing against you ever present, when you’re in the valley of neglect it’s difficult to believe that God has just as much to do in you as in your spouse.

An 80 yr. old friend (ma granny) once told me, God has far more to do in you than through you. How true this is for every husband and wife. We forget that the refining work of our Lord doesn’t happen in the full light of the sun on breezy days but in the hot crucible of the Refiner’s Furnace – in the dark valleys of our journey. But, the intended refining only happens where the metal will yield to the severe, purifying heat. And, that’s tough for any wife who isn’t cherished.

I have a question for the husbands: Is your wife a cherished woman? If you don’t know, find a quiet moment to ask her, “Do you feel cherished by me?” and “How can I cherish you in a way that you truly feel it?”

You see, being the husband of a cherished woman just isn’t optional for a Christian man. This is the call of God on your life – to preach the Gospel with the power of your love for your wife – an expression to the world of how Jesus Christ loves His Bride, the Church. The same is true of every married Christian man.

When you love your wife you actually love yourself . . . because according to God, the two of you are one single entity. And a truly cherished wife takes great pleasure in returning that love with interest.

When a wife is cherished by her husband God smiles His approval, she reflects back her joy, and both spouses receive the benefits – the favor of God and the pleasure of a highly fulfilling marriage.

The Unspoken

He checked the box for the bracelet for the umpteenth time. Another twelve hours and she would be back, from what his mother said. Some very urgent work had cropped up and they had gone over to her mother’s hometown.

As he cleared his bed, to retire for the night, he coaxed himself aloud for not having apologised to her earlier. It had been a week since they had last spoken. He knew she wanted him to take the first step. After all he was the one who insulted her, disappointed her. He hadn’t meant to do it, obviously, but nevertheless he did do it.

“Ego. That is what your problem is, James. You knew you were wrong. Yet, you couldn’t be bothered enough to say a simple sorry! You took it all out on her instead. Of course, she wouldn’t talk to you,” he chided himself, rolling up his clothes in a ball and dumping them on the chair. Removing his laptop and its charger tangled with the endless earphones, “Make sure you don’t hurt her again. It’s her birthday the day after. Make it her best. You know you love her. She needs to know it too. Enough with your… Ahh! Finally!” he exhaled jubilantly on untangling the wiry mess.

He fell off to sleep thinking about her.

Having snoozed his alarm twice, James woke up only when his mother came to remind him he would be late for office. He told her he was taking the Saturday off. Only when he finally got out of bed, did he realize he had only an hour left before the train arrived.

Barely had he awoken, when his mother came in blabbering excitedly, “I just spoke to Mercy(referring to Rita’s mother). Their train arrived early. Somehow.”

“What? How? What’s wrong with the Railways?” he asked, hurrying to the washroom!

“That’s not the point, though I wondered that too. Rita got engaged,” she finished.

Hands still on the handle of the washroom door, holding his breath, stopping in his tracks, pulsating heart, he just about managed to blurt, “What are you saying, Ma?”

“I don’t know the details yet but looks like that is why they had gone to Mombasa in such a hurry. They are on their way already. Go, get ready. I am preparing breakfast for them.”

“Okay,” is all he said, before shutting himself in the bathroom.

James felt his body slide down to the floor. He could taste the tears coming out of his eyes, rolling down his cheeks and pooling by his lips. His hands trembled as he ran them through his hair. He had to meet her. He had to get up. Yet, he couldn’t find the strength to even move. He felt broken. He kept sitting there till he finally found himself capable of getting to the shower at least. Turning it on, he felt the water seeping through his night clothes, he still had on. He didn’t care. He just wanted to wash away all the memories of the week before. He wanted his friend back. Single. Clutching at his hair, he waited for the water to work its magic. Tired of holding his breath and sobbing into the water, he turned the shower off to go and wash his face at the basin, not realizing how pointless the whole exercise was. He felt numb, senseless, insignificant, dejected, and incapable all at once.

“James, Rita’s here. She’s asking for you. Are you done?” his sister asked, knocking on the door.

Regaining composure, he blurted, “Yes, almost. Could you hand me a towel and a set of clothes, please?”

When he emerged presentable, he found Rita working on her laptop. She looked up at him, and clarified, “Just checking the office mail.”

He didn’t bother to reply.

“Rita, I have something for you,” he called out to her.

“Okay,” she said, her voice betraying her curiosity. She walked up to him and asked, “What?”

He turned around and looked into her eyes. “This,” handing over the box to her. “

And “congratulations.”

“Thank you. Nothing was final. So I didn’t tell you anything. Plus, we weren’t talking. So…” she trailed off, as she opened the box. “This is so beautiful. I love it. Thank you!” she said softly, looking up at him.

“I am sorry, Rita,” James said, embracing her.

Surprised and slightly taken aback, she hugged her friend back.

“I love you, Rita,” he said.

“Yes, I know that, James. I love you too,” she said smiling.

“Missed me a little too much, huh?” she asked, mocking him, just as tears welled up in his eyes.

“Are you okay?” she asked him, rubbing his back.

“Yes,” he said.

“I will be. Eventually,” he thought.

And he let her go of the embrace.

Graciously Yours!