It still hurts

SHE SAYS…….

We all have them. Those things in the past that cut deep. So deep that when we think about them now, we start to feel the same emotions well up in us that did when we first experienced the hurt. As women we tend to interlink our life experiences with our emotions. So our past hurt can stir up emotions we thought for sure we had dealt with.

In marriage as well as in life when we dwell on the past, we tend to live in the past. Our hurts can threaten to stick us in one place but on the other hand it is vital in that they teach us many lessons and allow us to grow.

So how do we balance learning from the past and letting go?

• He can’t change the past, so stop expecting him to.

The things he has said or done cannot be undone. This does not mean that he is not accountable for his actions but that our God forgives  when we come to Him with a broken and contrite spirit. Sin is no longer a stronghold on him but in God he is redeemed.

• Look for God’s Footprints

Matt Redman’s song “Never Once”, says that

“Kneeling on this battle ground, seeing just how much You’ve done knowing every victory was Your power in us. Scars and struggles on the way but with joy our hearts can say, yes, our hearts can say: never once did we ever walk alone, never once did You leave us on our own. You are faithful, God, You are faithful.”

 So look back and see God’s faithfulness, choose to remember  that.

• Focus switch

It is always good to find something else to focus on. Other than pray and talk to God is to seek His word on what he wants for YOU as a wife.

HE SAYS…….

The past doesn’t always stay neatly in the past. When past hurts, pains and doubts creep back into marriage you have a choice. Fight or Surrender.

The other side of hurts is the side of the forgiven. That is when we have been forgiven for wounds caused, mistakes we made and sins committed.

• Wave the white flag.

When the day comes that an old doubt, fear or hurt crosses your wife’s mind its natural instinct to defend yourself. It is important that we fully surrender and choose to say again, “I’m sorry I hurt you” and “I love you”.

Taking a posture of surrender is not natural for men.Guilt,shame and sadness are not  emotions that any man will voluntarily choose to feel .

• Your wife is NOT GOD

When God forgives He removes that sin from us as far as the east is from the west. (Psalms 103.12).This is God’s nature but it’s not human nature. Your wife is striving to get there but from time to time the sin comes up from the past to influence her present.

Understanding this will help you love your wife during such moments.

..May we strive to get there.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABE!

Today’s post is all about him, to one awesome guy.

My Dear Husband,

Today is your birthday! Do you feel old yet? No? Well that’s good because you are not allowed to get old yet. We haven’t had our 10 kids, so you have to stay young and active and funny until you’re at least 100…no, 120.

On a serious note…

Meeting you was a blessing and being married to you is the best thing in my life. You love me just the way God created me – – with every scar and imperfection. You make me want to be a better person, and you try your absolute hardest to make me happy, even when I’m being stubborn and pouty and difficult… which is often. Ha!

I love every day I get to spend with you. We make a great team.

I love our adventures. I always think about all the great places we have been together. But more than that, I appreciate the little things like going jogging together.   It is being with you that fills me with so much joy.

I love discovering your skills. You never fail to surprise me with your handiness. I enjoy doing projects with you. You are always patient with me and always willing to undertake my crazy projects or advising my adventurous entrepreneurial startups.

You are one amazing man and I am one lucky lady to get to spend the rest of my days with you! I am forever thankful to God and honored to be your wife. I feel like my life just started and I can’t wait for all the years we have ahead of us.

Happy Happy Birthday, babe! Thanks for making me the happiest girl in the world. I love you to the moon and back!

Friend-lationship?

“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment”. – Mr. Darcy,Pride and Prejudice.

I once shared this post and would like to revisist it,its quite interesting after a friend of mine got himself in the same web….

” For the past few days, I feel like the process of having our minds be renewed, as well as the rest of us, is being heavily impressed upon me. At church on Sunday, the preacher discussed the importance of using our intellects to dissect and address the doubts that faith can so often bring to the surface. I had a conversation just yesterday with someone who pointed out that so many of our insecurities rest in the fact that our minds and thoughts are not being continuously brought under the lordship of Christ. And now, this idea was brought to my attention when I thought about how one’s imagination (especially for us ladies) affects dating and the path to marriage.

Arguably, the fact that there can be so much confusion when it comes to the beginning stages of a relationship, especially within Christian circles, does little to help the situation. Again, because of various books and teachings promoted recently in the Christian community, the process of moving from friend to date is fuzzy and can almost seem intrusive. Take, for example, the coffee date, using two made up examples.

Sheila is a bright, bubbly woman who has a lot of friends within her church and really does seek to honor the Lord in everything she does. Mike is also a strong believer, but he’s quieter and a bit more reflective than Sheila. Sheila and Mike are friends – nothing more. Mike thinks Sheila’s cute, but he doesn’t really see the need to make a move and ruin a good thing. Besides, he’s not quite sure that he’s ”ready” for a relationship. Sheila, on the other hand, thinks Mike’s great and wonders why he just can’t see how great they’d be together! So eventually, they have a wee chat after church one day, and Sheila brings up the book they are reading together, along with a few other friends. She suggests they grab a coffee to discuss it, so Mike agrees. They leave and plan for Saturday, when they go to a local coffee shop, drink coffee latte(at least, Sheila does) and use the guise of their common reading to dig a little deeper into the other person’s thoughts. Mike decides that he should pay for Sheila’s drink, since his mother used to tell him that that’s what good guys do. So Sheila takes the drink and spends the rest of the “date” floating because she’s convinced this is the beginning of a wonderful relationship. And while unassuming Mike is talking about his opinions on how to fight against idolatry, Sheila is imagining their future life together in their hometown, Malindi with two kids. Once their time is over, Mike thinks that it was a great experience – he got to talk to Sheila in a more one-on-one setting, and she didn’t have any expectations at all! He just knows that she understands that it’s just a friends thing, because it’s safer that way. Meanwhile, Sheila gets home and checks her phone every hour just to see if Mike has left a little cutesy text message for her. He never does, and Sheila gets angry. And then hurt. And Mike doesn’t understand why she doesn’t seem as happy to see him when they see each other at church the next day.

Clearly, this is an example of miscommunication in addition to the main issue at hand. However, there’s something deeper going on. Sheila’s expectations are so high for the coffee date that she ascribes her own (at that time, unrealistic) desires for the situation onto Mike, who is oblivious to them and has his own understanding of what’s going on. This speaks a lot to the problem of “friend-lationships” that are going on in the church in full force these days, but that’s for another time. Essentially, there are two ways that the “coffee date” can be turned into a vehicle for mass confusion and dashed expectations.

The first is to assume that the coffee date means more than what it is. But that is dangerous thinking, and will and often does lead to bitterness and resentment towards the unsuspecting other person. Additionally, some people might get nervous by the prospect if they’re not sure if they’re interested in the other person – does their date think that they’re going to automatically want to be in a relationship?! No, I don’t think that should be the case. There should be freedom and openness with these situations; a commitment does not come from just one coffee date, and it is unhealthy to put such high expectations on just one interaction.

The second confusion-enhancing aspect of the “coffee date” is to treat coffee dates as if they are less than what they are. Guys, this probably pertains most to you. If you ask a woman on a date, even if it’s coffee, it’s best to be honest and upfront with your intentions.

Dear Preacher

Why art thou downcast, O preacher? Oh, should’ve guessed — it’s us, right? Yes, yes, we the people of God are a stiff-necked-bow-legged flock, prone to not only wander but to waffle as did the fathers and mothers who so sensuously begot us. You’re in a hard place, we realize that, what is with the megachurch being so fashionable these days and everybody going from the small church, but let not your heart be troubled because it won’t be long until some remember the reason they left the little church. We applaud your efforts to make us fully devoted followers but we see ourselves as part-time saints at best and that suits us fine, just fine. Tell you what, here’s a bit of advice, please “receive it in the spirit in which it is intended” which we all know , “this might hurt.” Nevertheless, hear us out. This is what we need from you:

Remind us of the mercy,His MERCY.

Please, please don’t stop doing that, whatever else you may do but please don’t stop telling and retelling us that God loves us, better yet that He even likes us. Behold, we’re in the ring with the bulls, O preacher — the neighbors can’t afford a school backpack for their little girl and the other neighbor lost her husband last week  and the troubled man two streets away split with his gentle wife and the ink’s not even dry on the paperwork and he’s already got an old flame burning via Facebook and us, well we’ve put our hands to the family plow only to find that thorns are the usual reward of our labor not roses.

The parents start breaking down and now there are trips back home to hold Daddy’s hand as he slips beneath the surface of time and Momma is gradually forgetting the names of the children she nursed at her breast and we could go on but you know most of that because you always ask with the sincerest eyes. Still, we don’t always tell you everything that’s going on because sometimes the woolen-shame of our lives leaves us cotton-mouthed; we have lips but cannot speak.

So regardless of what bright-lights-moderate-ego conference you attend and even in spite of what the elders may say , just keep telling us of the mercies of our God, how wide and deep and grand and fresh-each-morning they are, because that’s what’s getting us from Sunday to Sunday, that’s what’s getting us from breath to breath. And that’s really your calling. Sure, we say we want other things from you, but most days we’re mostly fake, so do a little of that active listening you’re so skilled at and hear between our lines and don’t be disquieted, O preacher, for you see we need you, not to play the game for us, but to play it with us, to help us remember the God who so loved this sinful world that He gave and gave and gave and giveth still. His mercies they fail not and His faithfulness is great indeed, but we get spooked easily and thus forget.

Please point us to the cloud by day that covers all,to lead and guide us.

Hope in God, O preacher, for it is He who healeth our countenance, and that includes yours, too.

That word is what we need to hear,the word of God that sets us free.

It Is Not A Swap of Emotions

My marriage is wonderful, and my husband is incredible, but let me also say that our relationship isn’t perfect—it’s taken humility, patience, and grace to get where we are. There have been rough patches and some days when he didn’t seem all that “wonderful” to me, and I can imagine that he’s felt the same way.

I’ve come to see that love is like an oak tree. When nurtured it takes root. We have storms that leave us feeling confused and miserable, but we put effort into seeing them through, because both he and I know that with each passing season those roots are growing beyond what our senses observe.

Like most young couples, we started out eager yet unprepared. I was a young bride believing that love was give and take, and that a 50/50 partnership was ideal. As long as I was willing to meet him halfway on everything, we’d be just fine. But experience soon taught me that unless I was willing to give 100 percent of myself to this marriage, without expectation of return, my gift of love was little more than a swap of emotions.

“Without expectation of return?” You might ask, “Well that doesn’t seem fair.”

It’s a beautiful thing when two people love as they should love. When each person is putting into the marriage more than they’re hoping to gain. But we all have days, weeks–and for some it’s been years–when we feel that we’re not being loved as we should be. What then? The truth of the matter is that the return on our investment doesn’t always come from our husband, but it always comes from the Lord. We have that promise. When we put our hope in Him we have a guarantee that He rewards those who are faithful.

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. – Luke 6:38, NIV

Love is a gift, and if we hand over a gift with one hand open while the other is closed, the gift is lost in exchange.

Marriage isn’t a barter system, and love isn’t a currency.

•       It’s exercising patience when your husband’s/wife’s habits are grating on every one of your nerves
•       It’s kindness when your partner is grumpy
•       It’s being humble enough to lose an argument when you feel that you’re right
•       It’s holding your temper when he/she says something in anger
•       It’s protecting his/her reputation from your own tongue
•       It’s trusting in his capabilities to handle a difficult task
•       It’s standing strong in difficult times

The question then would be, Why are we planting seeds without an expectation of return?

The answer is because we aren’t planting them for the sake of our husbands or for ourselves, we plant them for the sake of our Lord who loved us before we loved Him, and who gave His life freely while we were yet sinners. Love like that doesn’t carry an expectation, but it does carry a hope.

Sow your seed in the morning, and at evening let your hands not be idle, for you do not know which will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well. – Ecclesiastes 11:6, NIV

 

Love your wife and You love yourself

He’ll never forget those eyes, dancing above the rim of her glass the moment he walked into the room, the first dance of many . . . wild and wonderful.

Two years later (An eternity, he said!) they exchanged their vows before God and their loved ones and purposed to spend their lives as one.

As he lay across the bed from his beautiful, lovely Bride during their honeymoon, those dancing eyes held his gaze, grateful to God for such a humble and loving spirit.

Time. Suddenly all those years without her seemed lost.

Drinking in the moment’s wonder, his fingers fell lightly, high upon her cheek, he had prayed for a helpmate but God is full of surprises, He gave him a gift, a thankful spirit and love. What kind of woman did God give him? The very, very best. She is the most willing servant of God.

“Why didn’t I meet you ten years ago? Where were you? Look how much time we’ve missed being together.”

But life is like that, isn’t it? One day we wake up in an oasis wondering why we wandered around in the desert for so long. Why we took 40 years instead of 40 days to find that purpose, but at the end of the day God was sharpening us like iron.

He purposed right then and there, laying on the bed in their room, he would cherish this woman, his bride, this breath-taking gift from God, every day of his life. He will first be a servant of God, then a good husband and a loving father.

How great it would be to report that he loved her perfectly.

He reaches out to let her know how much she matters to him. She knows this – that it’s serious business with him. She is his priority because Jesus Christ made her his priority – and He expects to be obeyed. He wants him to love her as He loves His Bride.

Jesus is the example for every Christian man to know how to truly cherish his wife.

Wait a minute, Jesus isn’t married!

But He is (or soon will be). His Bride is the Church. And Christian men are instructed to love their wife as Jesus loves His – Ephesians 5:25

If you are a cherished woman, it’s likely no one would ask you. The lightness of your step and the radiance of your countenance are a dead give-away.

For those who are not, it’s especially tough. Not only is the wrongdoing against you ever present, when you’re in the valley of neglect it’s difficult to believe that God has just as much to do in you as in your spouse.

An 80 yr. old friend (ma granny) once told me, God has far more to do in you than through you. How true this is for every husband and wife. We forget that the refining work of our Lord doesn’t happen in the full light of the sun on breezy days but in the hot crucible of the Refiner’s Furnace – in the dark valleys of our journey. But, the intended refining only happens where the metal will yield to the severe, purifying heat. And, that’s tough for any wife who isn’t cherished.

I have a question for the husbands: Is your wife a cherished woman? If you don’t know, find a quiet moment to ask her, “Do you feel cherished by me?” and “How can I cherish you in a way that you truly feel it?”

You see, being the husband of a cherished woman just isn’t optional for a Christian man. This is the call of God on your life – to preach the Gospel with the power of your love for your wife – an expression to the world of how Jesus Christ loves His Bride, the Church. The same is true of every married Christian man.

When you love your wife you actually love yourself . . . because according to God, the two of you are one single entity. And a truly cherished wife takes great pleasure in returning that love with interest.

When a wife is cherished by her husband God smiles His approval, she reflects back her joy, and both spouses receive the benefits – the favor of God and the pleasure of a highly fulfilling marriage.